


Lost in the Darkness

by spikesredqueen



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-10 00:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5562496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikesredqueen/pseuds/spikesredqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Season 6 some time after After Life.<br/>Buffy turns to Willow instead of Spike after being pulled out of Heaven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost in the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the WhichWillow ficathon on Livejournal. I had the prompt: "What if Buffy turns to Willow instead of Spike when she's pulled out of heaven?"
> 
> Beta'd by the wonderous OKDeanna.

She shouldn’t be here. _They_ shouldn’t be here.

How had they gotten in this situation? How had everything gotten so screwed up?

There were so many things wrong with what she and Buffy had just done. The uncomfortable silence between them as they redressed was deafening. 

Stealing a glance over her shoulder, Willow watched as Buffy slipped her shirt over her head, an unreadable expression on her face. Stoic as Buffy may seem, Willow knew that she was hiding something bigger than she was letting on. 

Willow followed Buffy’s lead when she took a seat on the unmade bed and sat beside her--the same bed that she shared with Tara. 

Oh God, Tara… the realization that she was going to lose everything hit her in the chest like a dozen knives aiming for her heart. Tara… her lover… her everything, the woman she betrayed the moment she kissed Buffy, let alone having sex with her. It was something she wished like anything that she could take back. It was a serious lack of judgment, on both their parts. Willow didn’t know the whys or hows of what happened between her and her best friend, but it did happen. It was something that she would have to face up to and come clean about.

There was no going back.

The tension between her and Buffy didn’t make things easier. What was she thinking? Whatever it was made the air in the room seem thicker with every second that passed. Did she regret what they did, too? 

Everything had gotten so… messy since Buffy’s return. Willow and Buffy had been hiding within a sea of emotions, both alone and together.

When Buffy sacrificed herself to save the world, Willow’s world had begun to unravel. But it wasn’t until she thought that her resurrection spell had failed that she felt the Earth crumble beneath her feet. A world without Buffy, a world without her best friend, was a world she didn’t want to live in. It was desolate and bleak. It had become an endless sea of blackness that devoured all that was dwelling within it. The reality that Buffy was never going to come back had been enough to break her down to the point she clung to Tara so her love could keep Willow from drowning in that darkness. What made it worse was unknowing what became of Buffy’s soul, her essence.

That was something she was ever thankful that she didn’t have to worry about now. Buffy was back and while things were complicated; it wasn’t the end of the world. There was hope now.

Looking down at the bed, Willow noticed that she was absently picking at the fabric of the sheets she sat on. How long had she been lost in her thoughts? It felt later than before. Even if she didn’t know exactly how much time passed, it had passed. Buffy still sat in the same place, eyes void of emotion. There was no doubt she was still lost in her head. But it was different now. Buffy seemed different. Indifferent and distant. Cold, even. That wasn’t Buffy. Not the Buffy that Willow knew and loved. 

It scared Willow. Seeing Buffy like this. Was it all because of what they just did? Was it from being brought back? Both?

“Buffy?” A note of concern laced Willow’s voice as she tried to get her friend’s attention. “Are… talk to me… please?”

There was a moment of pause before Buffy said something under her breath that Willow didn’t catch.

“What?” she replied softly, trying to coax her friend to speak up.

Buffy turned toward her in a way that made it seem like it was hard to even look at Willow, let alone speak to her. 

“I think I was in Heaven.” 

Willow’s heart dropped and a lump formed in her throat, tightening the muscles so much that she felt as if someone was choking the life out of her. Almost forgetting to breathe, Willow began to see spots forming in her eyesight. She couldn’t have heard her right. It was a mistake, Buffy was lying or… or she was hearing things. Anything… something. Because if that were the truth, that meant she did something more horrible than sleeping with her best friend. It meant she denied Buffy the chance to be at peace and to be happy for eternity without the hardships of being a savior to the world.

A tear fell onto Willow’s cheek as she shook her head, trying to wrap her mind around what Buffy was telling her. “But the other day… a-at the Magic Box… you—you said you had been in Hell.” 

Buffy kept her voice low…and detached. “What did you expect me to say?”

“Oh, I dunno. The truth?” Willow replied a little too harshly, standing up as she replayed the conversation all of them had at the Magic Box. Buffy went through the motions of telling them what they wanted to hear. Buffy had avoided eye contact throughout the story she told them. How had Willow missed the signs? Had she wanted to hear what Buffy told her so badly that she had become blind to what was right in front of her?

“The truth?” Buffy watched Willow as the redhead bit her lower lip so hard she thought she would split it. “Do you think it’s that easy to tell all of you the truth, Willow?” This time, Buffy’s voice wavered and increased in volume. “All of you looking at me and expecting some horrible story about me being tortured in some Hell dimension… I couldn’t just tell you that I was happy wherever I had been. That time didn’t matter there and somehow I knew you all were okay, and that I didn’t feel any pain!” 

Tears flowed freely from Buffy now, all of them making Willow's chest ache. 

“ _I_ wasn’t okay!” Willow blurted out, swallowing the pain that came with the words. “I couldn’t just sit and do nothing. We didn’t know where you were, what pain you might have been going through. The thought that you were…. That you might never…” Willow’s lips quivered and her voice gave way to the emotion overwhelming her. “It nearly killed me, Buffy. I-I… I didn’t know what else to do.” 

Silence reared its ugly head again. Filling the room with more tension than Willow ever thought possible. 

Studying Buffy for a moment, Willow felt her heart being ripped apart. She couldn’t lose Buffy again. And it seemed that was the direction all of this was headed. 

“Why’d you kiss me tonight, Buffy? Was all of this some kind of revenge because I brought you back?” 

“No. It wasn’t revenge.” Buffy wouldn’t look at her now, wiping her face with her fingers.

“Then why? What was it?” 

Willow needed to know. What was Buffy thinking? Why did any of this happen between them?

“I just… I just wanted to feel something. Anything.” Buffy broke down, sobbing softly. Without thinking twice, Willow knelt in front of her and cupped Buffy’s cheek, gently turning her head so that she could see her face. “I’m numb, Will. I’m numb…” 

“Oh… Buffy…” Willow moved onto the bed and pulled Buffy into her arms. Clinging onto Willow tightly, Buffy wept on to her shoulder. 

“You’re not numb… you feel… otherwise you wouldn’t be crying right now,” Willow said softly in Buffy’s ear. Rubbing soothing circles on Buffy’s back, Willow continued. “You were in shock. I think you still are. But that will pass and you will start feeling more like yourself. You just have to give it time.” 

Buffy rested her head on Willow’s shoulder, broken. “I don’t know how to be me… I don’t know who I am anymore, Will. I feel so lost.” 

Maneuvering herself and Buffy, Willow made it so they were both laying down, facing one another. Her arm remained around Buffy and they remained physically close. 

“It will come back to you, Buffy. I promise,” Willow said, brushing back a lock of hair from Buffy’s eyes. “I’m sorry that I let you down…. That I took you away from where you were.” Willow still couldn’t get herself to admit that it had truly been Heaven. 

Buffy simply nodded. Willow wasn’t sure if Buffy actually forgave her or if she was just too emotionally tired to care at this point.

Willow couldn’t take back what she did, but there had to be away to make this better for Buffy. To make living in this world better. For a moment, Willow wondered if this world was Buffy’s Hell. Living was difficult and knowing what she did, Willow no longer questioned it. Tears anew pricked Willow’s eyes. She pulled her best friend into a literal living Hell without so much as a consideration of what bringing her back would do to Buffy.

“I just want to forget.” The words came at a whisper from the woman in her arms, but Willow heard them as clear as day. “Forget everything.”

Forgetting wouldn’t fix everything, but it could certainly help move things along. Buffy was mentally and emotionally damaged, always would be, even if she did start to feel a little more normal. The knowledge of being where she had been and being forced back into her body would always haunt her. It’d be like being buried alive all over again. For the rest of her life. 

Willow couldn’t let that happen. She wouldn’t let it. 

When Buffy fell asleep for the night, Willow planned on finding a spell that would help Buffy forget everything that happened. She would need to use it on the others as well. Make it so everyone forgot that Buffy died saving their lives. Forget that Willow brought her back and make Buffy forget that she had been in Heaven. 

Everything would go back to the way it was. The way it should be. Except she would remember. She wouldn’t let herself forget what she had done to Buffy. It was a selfish act and it was one that she wasn’t going to repeat should something happen in the future.

She deserved to suffer and become lost in the darkness of these memories. 

Willow owed Buffy at least that much.

The End.


End file.
